I can never release this song about pain

A forbidden demo just for you - *warning* it's dark!

This song is not very “Sydney Barnett.”

It’s uncharacteristically dark and there’s no light at the end. But it exists, and it carries a truth too raw to ignore…

This is the unpolished version—exactly as it was left. It never got the final mixing/mastering treatment, but maybe that makes it more fitting for what it represents.

Why is this song “forbidden”?

Some songs are meant to be heard. Others stay locked away. This one was never supposed to reach you—yet here it is.

I recorded this song with a label as part of a duo project. Sadly, it dissolved and I cannot publicly release the 10 songs we recorded. More on that story in my article titled, “It’s ALL for the Plot.” I’ve already made my peace with it.

But even if I could release it, would I want to? This song is unlike anything else I’ve written—it’s not just music. It’s a confrontation.

“Again and Again” Lyrics

Verse
You pound twice behind my eyes
You’re back again to no surprise
And to what do I owe the pain
For this time, but there’s no time

You skip all the pleasantries
Take a seat, audacity
I can’t hide when you want to seek
I’m your host I have no choice

Chorus
What brings you here again my dear?
What makes you stay again my dear?
What’s on your mind again my dear?
What brings you here again 
Again and again

The story behind “Again and Again”

Like so many artists, I’ve written songs about pain—but this one is different.

Following a particularly agonizing Migraine that lasted 3 days, I wrote a journal entry that essentially begged him to leave me alone. I imagined him like a psycho stalker. A deranged, toothless character that forces his way in and makes himself at home, then refuses to leave until he’s tortured me enough. In my mind, he looks like Lord Voldemort crossed with the Joker.

Having a migraine is three-fold:

1. There’s the blinding pain.

2. The sick feeling of having your agency taken away.

3. And the endless ruminating—what brought it on this time?

Lack of sleep? Stress? Hormones? Tight shoulders? Considering all the women in my family struggle with migraines — bad genetics, a family curse?

In the journal entry, I beg him to just tell me the answer, “What brings you here again and again and again?” But he just laughs — a high-pitched cackle. It rings in my ears as I lay shriveled in a fetal position with a pillow over my head.

Eventually, I paired up with my previous duo partner to transform the journal entry into this song. I told him that I wanted the composition to emphasize that I am being mocked by the pain. He suggested the “la-la-la-la-la” part to create a taunting energy. Strangely, the result is hauntingly beautiful.

Can this “forbidden” song ever be released?

Would I spite the cunts and reclaim what’s mine? Oh, I’m tempted. The lyrics are mine. The pain is mine. And if I ever remake it, I’d go fully cinematic.

I would learn hard into creating an eerie, mesmerizing quality of sound. Think: “Once Upon A December” from the Disney movie Anastasia. A waltz-like rhythm, cinematic strings, and ghostly harmonies. A soft, twinkling piano for an otherworldly, music-box effect. A reverb-heavy, airy production. That’s what I would go for to get a more “Sydney Barnett” whimsical sound.

How do you make sense of pain?

If you’ve ever felt this way, I see you. Pain demands to be transformed. For me, it becomes a song. For you? Tell me in the comments—how do you make sense of yours?

Looking forward to connecting with you in the Comments.

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