Stop apologizing for being 'all over the place'

Unraveling shame and redefining integrity for those of us who refuse to choose just one path.

I open up the job application. It’s my first mighty step toward a “new normal” in the US.

The first question reads: “Which of our values do you best exemplify: holism, service, integrity, sustainability, or community?”

I ruminate on this while hunched over my childhood desk, recently pulled out from storage. My parents’ guest bedroom is comfortable yet colorless. Gray walls, gray carpet, gray duvet, gray decorative pillows, gray frames with gray wall art depicting two gray feathers. My gray chrysalis.

Said feather wall art in all its gray glory.

Alas, I begin typing, “I best exemplify”

I watch the cursor blink, pausing.

“Integrity.”

I was supposed to be a Speech-Language Pathologist. In 2017, I graduated with my Bachelor’s and got accepted into my preferred Master’s Program. All was set!

But I pivoted. I asked my grad program if I could do a gap year to teach English abroad. They graciously saved me a spot for the next class.

I flew to a tiny island called Gran Canaria – a territory of Spain. It was another world. Quickly, my thirst for travel got the best of me, and I never turned back (to the dismay of all my family, friends, and grad program faculty).

Sorry, grad school. Can you blame me?

My curiosity led me on many new adventures from Europe to Asia. I had barely any possessions, almost no money, and many moments of uncertainty, but it always felt like authentic living to me. Some random opportunity always landed in my lap to keep me going.

I tried on many hats: English Teacher, Cooking Class Instructor, Music Artist, Photographer Assistant, and perhaps the coolest, “Captain of Sales” for an All-Male Nudist Sailing Company. No, I never went on the trips. It was an online gig, and I went by the male alias “Parker McMillan.”

Anyway. That’s beside the point.

My vegan chef era in Bali

Today, 8 years later, I’m trying to reintegrate into the US. But one peek at my resume, and I look a tad…well…random and non-committal. It’s a travesty by typical American standards.

My fear voice rises:

Look at you — you’re all over the place! Scattered. Unfocused. Only 1 year at this job, 2 years at that job… you’re unreliable. Who would ever hire you? You’ll never make it in America.

Shame wants me to believe that something’s wrong with me. Here’s why that’s not true:

There is a false notion that permeates Western society that integrity simply means you do what you say you'd do.

This thrives under the assumption that we can accurately predict the course of our lives, and then stay set on living that out.

Any diversion from that and whoa there! That’s not what you said you’d do! Alert, alert! You told everyone you wanted to be a speech pathologist! You, ma'am, are not a woman of integrity.

This is the most twisted idea of integrity that falsely implies it must go hand-in-hand with trustworthiness and dependability. It’s polluting our understanding of what it means to be intuitive, to trust yourself and your ability to create your best possible life from moment to moment, in all its unpredictability.

According to The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck, living in integrity means aligning with your true self and expressing what's authentically you, regardless of external pressures.

Integrity stems from the Latin word "integer" which simply means "intact." Undivided. Whole.

She elaborates:

“When a plane is in integrity, all its millions of parts work together smoothly and cooperatively. If it loses integrity, it may stall, falter, or crash…As above in aerodynamics, so below in our everyday lives. When you experience unity of intention, fascination, and purpose, you live like a bloodhound on a scent, joyfully doing what feels truest in each moment.”

Hello?? Dear creative ones?? Fellow multi-passionate people?? Are you hearing this??

I have tried on many lives and many hats - and joyfully so.

You too? Yeah! It’s so much fun to learn and explore new things.

But can we talk about the shame? We don’t need to carry it anymore! Nothing is wrong with us. Something is wrong with our culture ! ! !

Last week, my shame spoke on the phone with a close friend.

“I feel like such a loser. Why can’t I see anything through? Why do I always chase meaning in new projects, hobbies, or passions? Why can’t I just chill out and be like everyone else? It’s time for me to grow up.”

She so lovingly said, “That’s my favorite part about you. All your creative ideas make you light up with joy. They make you fun to talk to. You’re always learning and sharing with me. That’s why you’re an artist, Sydney. You’re ever-evolving. I love that about you.”

Later, the shame came out again with my mom, and she responded, “That’s not how I would put it at all. You’re a dreamer, Sydney. It’s your nature.”

That is a powerful reframe.

Let’s stop apologizing and feeling down on ourselves for being DREAMERS. For being multi-passionate, playful, exuberant lovers of all things life!

Right after I spent almost all my money on a scuba diving certification, which serves zero purpose besides appeasing my underwater curiosities and joy!!!

Geez, the world needs people like us. Don’t you forget it.

And quite frankly, I don’t want to be employed by someone who doesn’t look at my resume, a single sheet of paper with only a sample size of my vast amalgamation of experiences, and think: “Why, doesn’t she seem interesting and open-minded and adaptable and bold and down for anything! Let’s get her in for an interview. We need some of that on our team!”

Cause holy shit, I am committed. I’m committed to choosing curiosity over fear. To creative living. To authenticity. To growth. To untethered expression. To kindness and compassion. To being the best version of myself in this new chapter, and every chapter I have yet to dream up.

I'm committed to all the above DESPITE it looking like I'm 'all over the place.' I'm willing to risk some corporate robots with their perfectly linear career trajectories thinking I'm a lost cause, simply to live in my integrity.

Me at the park last week. Grumpy about corporate America.

I recognize the tone of this piece has changed a lot but I don’t care cause I WANT TO HYPE YOU UP. PUT DOWN YOUR SHAME, YOU BEAUTIFUL FIRECRACKER. BE FREE!!!

Personal Update:

In my last newsletter, I mentioned I’m going through a huge period of destruction. And it makes sense, because space must be cleared when a reinvention is underway.

Blooming spring flowers at the public library.

I want to thank everyone who reached out to me. I was feeling swept up in “no one understands me”, but alas, I’ve serendipitously reconnected with a few friends going through near-exact tough transitions. In truth, we are never, ever alone.

I’m still slowly piecing myself back together. At least now, without shame for what I am: a metamorphosing BADDIE who lives with integrity.

So dear readers, what does walking on the path of integrity look like for you right now? Drop me a lil note below.

Until next time chickos and chicklettes,

Xx